I thoughtabout why I wanted to kill myself before I met Erin and went to work forher at the bookstore. I concluded that Erin was right. The reason for...myself hatred was I subconsciously knew that it was impossible for me toever be the person I was meant to be.This self hate made me unsure of myself so I became shy and reclusive.Then blend that in with the stigmas, of being a foster, my hulky size, myclumsy awkwardness, and my old victim's personality, no wonder I caughthell at high school. I. Before, my sexual desire was focusedon one thing, but now, it was all through me. My breathing was in shortpants; I couldn't change it. I knew what was happening to me, and I knewthere was no way I could resist. Besides, why would I want to resist,when it was so wonderful!Several times during the night, the waves of contractions came over me.They would start with a quivering tension in my hips, that spread down mylegs, and up through my breasts. It was very sexual, and my body wasresponding. “You probably don’t wanna go back there!”“Fuck you,” she snapped and went down the hall.There was only a curtain hanging where the door should have been. She pushed it aside and saw her 6’2”, sturdy-built, swarthy caramel-skinned man on top of a white woman. She stood speechless.Travon was midstroke and had not realized they were being watched. “Take dis dick, bitch,” he ordered.“Damn, nigga! Fuck this faggot ass!”“Yeah, bitch!”“Fuck your little white boi!”“Hell yeah!”The blond bottom turned. I didn't believe that we might get back together. It was only that we had somehow changed the direction of our being apart. We weren't still moving away from each other, and the distance we were apart didn't seem impossibly far to me, not like it had seemed before. She wasn't totally lost to me, because we had reestablished contact.On Monday, as soon as I arrived at my office, Joyce made a comment about my seeming less troubled and unhappy. I told her that I'd had a good week end, and just left.
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